Often, mindfulness and sex can easily go hand in hand. Mindfulness can be defined as the practice of paying attention to what is happening in the moment and not letting our minds wander, which is, at times, what happens when we are having sex for various reasons. There are many ways we can improve mindfulness, but we'll focus on two: (1) practicing mindfulness in relationships and (2) using mindfulness to maintain intimacy.

Mindfulness has been recognized as a way to improve an individual's emotional well-being. It is also a very important tool for couples to use in maintaining intimacy. Sometimes, you may easily lose your focus and either lose your libido or get into thinking about other things and possibly lose that deep connection during sex with your partner(s). 

The benefits of mindfulness are undeniable - improved relationships, better working memory, lower anxiety, better focus, etc. The list goes on and on. It is no wonder that mindfulness has become so popular nowadays that people even do it at work during their breaks!

A couple should not forget the importance of intimacy in their relationship. Intimacy can be defined as closeness between two people and most importantly, the ability to share what you feel and think with someone else without judging or worrying about your appearance or anything else that might detract from this close connection. This would also assist in focusing on the connection rather than becoming self-conscious of your body or about the bodily liquids or noises that often occur with sex. When you allow yourself to be present with your partner, that intimacy provides a sense of belonging and can assist you in becoming vulnerable and focused more on the consensual pleasure you are experiencing. It may even help you to further delve deeper and to experience and pay attention to the sensations you are experiencing without your mind wandering... which may lead to mind-blowing experiences. 

Tip #1: Remove the Distractions

In order to really take the time, be mindful and truly listen to your partner, what they are expressing to you, and to your own body, you need to take a step back and remove any distractions. For example, put down your phone, stop reading or watching TV, and turn off other devices. Yes, okay, this is a practical example but during sex, you should focus your mind and steer yourself away from any of those distracting thoughts that take you away from the pleasure. If you're concerned about early ejaculation or lasting longer in general, you might want to consider the stop method instead of thinking about things like sports or a non-sexual relative. You can then focus on just being there and listening and talking to your partner.

Tip #2: Respond Rather than React

Practicing mindfulness means being mindful of the present moment and choosing how you want to respond to events, people, and things around you rather than reacting on impulse. A mindful response helps us feel less reactive and more in control of our choices.

One way that being mindful can help improve intimacy is that it encourages us to really listen instead of just waiting for our turn to talk. This makes our partner feel listened to, which may enhance their feeling of closeness with us. Ask your partner what they might want to add to your sexual repertoire and take time to actually listen and take it into account as to whether or not it's something that you feel comfortable adding in or not.  If it's not, that doesn't mean it's a straight no, but it may possibly be a "maybe,” a "can we have more discussion about that," or "I may need to think about that a bit longer".  Sometimes things that bring up discomfort are just because we don't know what to anticipate, so taking the time to talk it through can be helpful to make sure you both discuss and consent to the activity under discussion. 

Remember all sex is good sex as long as it's pleasurable and consensual!

Tip #3: Take Time to Connect

Taking the time to reflect inward and to take a moment of pause is a great practice in mindfulness.  Taking the time to connect with your body and what it needs or desires can be a huge help in being able to have great sex with your partner. Connection means learning about your body, how it responds, what you are comfortable with, and what you're not - learning how to express that in a way that your partner can hear it.  Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for your partner sexually is to know yourself sexually.  Imagine having the knowledge to guide your partner towards pleasuring you, rather than leaving it to them to guess at what pleases you.  Often, being sexually aware of your own turn-ons can be a huge turn-on for your partner!

Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust, and healthy communication in their relationships and offers online counseling focused in couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual therapy, premarital counseling, and intimacy and sex therapy in San Diego and all of California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!