How to ReDefine and ReKindle the Desire in Long Term Relationships

In the aftermath of the pandemic, our relationships have endured so many challenges. In California and in San Diego, shelter-in-place orders often made it difficult for us to find time and space to separate from one another and that may have caused more distress in your relationships. Here is one way to begin rekindling the desire in your relationship.

Redefining Your Relationship:

When we are in long-term relationships, we often resort to the safety and security we feel within them. Still, the difficulty most deal with is learning how to redefine your relationship to invite the flame of desire back in.

Inviting In “Wanting”:

When we are in the early stages of our relationship, we are so excited to learn about the new person in front of us, but as time goes on within that same relationship, the allure starts to wear off. I would explain this as the difference between having and wanting. When you want someone, there is often a knowing of the "other" to be distant and separate from us.

Adopting A Sense Of Curiosity:

We often desire what we can't have, and the shift often occurs when we can invite curiosity and a sense of separateness into our perspective of the other. When we think we have our partner, we often don't take the risk of inquiring about differences, as we perceive that risk to be the potential to enter into conflict with our partner, which, honestly, most people try to avoid. But if we were to witness our partner doing something they absolutely love to do, we would probably find ourselves enamored with our partner, with the spark turned on, desiring to be whatever it is that they are working on - even to take the place of an inanimate object.

Jealousy Vs. Curiosity

It's curious how we can feel jealous about an object, and another human or relationship doesn't even have to exist in that space. When we see our partner come alive with whatever activity they are doing, we often want to be part of it and engage with our partner in that space as we often don't get to see that part of our partner. Some may have even asked their partner, "Why don't I get that excited part of you when you're with me?” Well, it may be concluded that there is no dynamic in the relationship for each partner to be seen as an individual. The relationship is a shared space with each partner contributing particular and chosen interactions.

We can have two individuals witness the same event (for example, an argument about feet on the coffee table). Still, if you were to ask them for their story based on their individual perspective, we might have two versions of the same experience.

“Learning how to rekindle the flame is akin to learning how to see your partner with a new lens and to seize the opportunity to view them as different, exotic, and different from ourselves.” -Nikki Nolet

We can learn about ourselves and our partners if we ask about our partners’ experiences through their lens, even if we experienced the same event.

Invite Play:

Sometimes, the best way to invite play is to adopt a mental state similar to one we had at the beginning of our relationships when we were constantly in the state of wonder versus the state of knowing. We didn't make assumptions or judgments so easily. We were curious, and we invited our partners to play in the space between us, possibly in the form of flirtation or questions or admiring some quality of our partner that we may have noticed.

Couples with this knowledge of how to invite themselves to see their partner with curiosity, to grow, and invite each other to play (through flirtation and communication) often state higher satisfaction rates in their relationships.

Sometimes this can be implemented through learning a new way of communicating (couples therapists can help with this) to approach each other differently, allowing space for each partner to take up their own hobby and then space to share it with their partner, which will help them have topics to discuss and provide the ability to see your partner as an ever-growing and expanding palette of play - and to be curious to know more.

Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust, and healthy communication in their relationships and offers online counseling focused in couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual therapy, premarital counseling, and intimacy and sex therapy in San Diego and all of California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!