How Can You Tell if you are Stuck in a Toxic Relationship?
Toxic relationships can be a source of trauma for some, and when you lose the ability to connect with your nervous system you can almost guarantee you're in an unhealthy relationship. Other than physical violence and abuse, there are sometimes smaller things to pay attention to for toxic relationships. Most people only look for the huge signs that you're in a toxic relationship and forget that the small tell-tale signs slowly build up over time. In Toxic relationships, the importance is in paying attention to the details, as you may not notice the signs at first, but you may not recognize yourself in the end.
Toxic relationships can be healed, but it's worth asking the question, “At what cost will it be to you?” If your partner actively wants to change, then I would suggest getting the help of a couples therapist who can help you to identify and reconstruct your patterns of interaction. Criticism, resentment, and contempt are often already at play within toxic relationships. Learning how to do things differently and how to relate differently can change and heal the wounds both partners have experienced in the relationship. The most important part of healing from a toxic relationship is that both partners want to make the change.
You’re Stuck in a Toxic Relationship If…
If you feel like you can no longer identify yourself in the relationship, it may be worth taking some time to do some healing for yourself in order to rediscover what makes you whole, and that may include taking a step back or ending the relationship altogether. Dependency in a relationship can be healthy if it's done in a way where each partner still maintains their own separate identity, but consciously works at putting as much into the relationship as possible. At times, leaning on your partner and being vulnerable can deepen the relationship, but becoming dependent on them to define you or limiting who you connect with because of their anxiety is dangerous territory.
Listening to your intuition when you are with your partner is a key component to being able to know what level of healing can be accomplished. If you are highly anxious around your partner, it may be telling you that the relationship is unhealthy. Same with jealousy, if you are often trying to skirt around criticism, you don't feel like you are supported by your partner, if you see controlling behaviors, if you have patterns of disrespect showing up in your day-to-day interactions or if there is dishonesty taking place you're in a toxic relationship.
The ability to heal from these toxic relationships depends on the extent of the damage you have endured. Toxic relationships, which are not only limited to romantic relationships but can also occur between family members is one in which you feel attacked, not in alignment with who you want to be, misunderstood, or demeaned, and when you don't feel like the other person shares the mutual desire for both parties to succeed. If your well-being is threatened, you may be in a toxic relationship.
Some toxic relationships can be healed through learning effective communication, holding zero negativity in the space, and changing your behaviors. Others may leave you feeling traumatized and it's best to step away from those relationships as hard as it may be. In these instances, I would suggest gaining the support of a therapist that can help you to learn boundaries, improve your self-esteem, and gain footing toward a healthier version of you.
Relationships involve more than one person, so it's important that all parties are holding on to the mutual desire for both of you to feel supported and to be successful in the long run. Make sure to check in regularly with your partner and practice healthy communication in order for that toxic relationship to change into a healthy partnership.
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